Beware of the Steve-O

All casinos breed a certain type of character that is unable to win, but lacks the will-power to leave an environment where the promise of easy money hangs heavy in the air. This character lacks the discipline and intelligence to beat poker or black-jack so he must sustain himself by other means. He goes by many names, but for the purpose of this post I will refer to him as Steve-O, though in individual cases his real name is usually not given. Steve-O will say he makes his living gambling, but his true source of funding is a combination of the following:

1. Public Assistance
2. Family Assistance
3. Unknown
4. Conning innocents out of their hard-earned cash

When meeting new people, Steve-O has 2 goals.

1. Get the most money he can from this person.
2. Avoid the person after goal number 1 is achieved.

Steve-O's senses are finely tuned to any new player who walks into a casino. From years of hunting Steve-O has honed his skills to operate with unconscious precision. He lurks near the poker tables like an alligator submerged to the eyes in a pond, waiting for its next unsuspecting victim. In an instant he will be able to discern whether or not you will come to the edge of the pond for a drink.

There is no way you will be able to spot Steve-O based on his appearance. Steve-O is well-camouflaged. He is a clean-cut man in nice clothes, sporting a stylish watch or bracelet.

One tip that may indicate you are dealing with a Steve-O is his constant need to play Keno tickets and bet on sports. Steve-O will also need to somehow indicate that he has a surplus of cash that he has attained from one of the following methods:

1. He is a day trader.
2. He recently won a Jackpot.
3. He won a Jackpot in Vegas sometime back that set him up for life.
4. He owns a bar or deals in some way with real estate.

Once Steve-O has met you, his victim, he will try to gain trust by the following methods:

1. He will refer to you as "buddy" or give you a nickname.
2. He will ask you to go in on a pot together, meaning you will share equally with Steve-O the losses and gains for any particular hand the two of you are both involved in. Since you are a poker player and he is a gambler you will play fewer hands and generally have the best of it and thus he will share in a portion of your winnings while minimizing his losses. Advantage Steve-O.
3. He will buy you a drink.
4. He will tell you the best place in town to get pizza.
5. He will add an "O" to the end of his name.

When your guard is down, he will ask you for money. Here are some reasons he needs money.

1. His ATM card is maxed out.
2. He wants you to bankroll his trip to Vegas.
3. He wants you to bankroll a bigger game right in the room where he is going to take some real fish for several g's.
4. He just spent his last dime on his mother's radiation treatments and needs a few bucks to get rolling again.

At this point you may not even know if this person is actually a "Steve-O" or not. The best way to defend yourself from Steve-O is to have this rule: Never loan money to anybody in a casino. It is sometimes hard to say "No." If it helps, say it like this, "I'm sorry, but I have a policy where I don't ever loan money to anybody." This makes it less personal.

There are only two possible outcomes to loaning money. 1. You get paid back in full.
or 2. You don't. One of these is bad and the other puts you right back at even.

But here is one sure fire way to know whether or not you are dealing with a Steve-O. Loan him money. If it is a Steve-O, it will vanish.

Why I Like Hell

I'm in the minority here, but I like Phil Hellmuth. Most of his critics say he is a spoiled brat and needs to grow up because he insults players and throws tantrums. He believes if you beat him in poker you are a lucky idiot and if he beats you it is because he vastly out-played you with his superior skills.

Most grown-ups have some inkling that other people have emotions and feelings, but children are slow to develop the concept of "other people." Phil is like a child in this regard. It is a fact that he stopped maturing emotionally somewhere around the age of 5.

Well, who wants to grow up anyway? I think we need a Big Baby to act out all our childish fantasies in the poker world. Who hasn't wanted to scream at the player across the table for playing a hand poorly, yet scooping a bunch of your chips because he got lucky? YOU ARE A SUB-HUMAN MORONIC FREAK! HOW CAN YOU PLAY THAT HAND? YOU DON'T HAVE THE SENSE GOD GAVE A DONUT! Instead, we bottle up that rage, and often say, "Nice hand," with all the refined, polite manner in which we ask the old man in the neighboring limo for some Grey Poupon. "Very nice hand sir."

We act polite because we are grown-ups, but what really are the advantages to growing up? You go bald, get ulcers, your skin wrinkles, your bones become brittle, you shrink, your teeth fall out and you end up in diapers. So who really wants to grow up?

I think Phil rubs so many people the wrong way because they wish they could hurl out a profuse barrage of venomous words upon the lucky idiots who beat them, even if that person is the quiet, elderly woman who plays every hand and often misreads her cards at the $1-2 table. WHY DON'T YOU JUST DIE ALREADY GRANDMA? YOU STUPID OLD CRONE! YOU ARE AS BLIND AS A BAT! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PICK UP A TELL ON YOU WHEN YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE?

Well, maybe there is a line that we shouldn't cross and sometimes Phil crosses that line, but my point is we need him and people like him to express what we are not expressing in the world. The fact that he does it in a public arena, totally out of context to what is socially appropriate, is not only hilarious it is also a refreshing burst of honesty.