This is a little off topic, but the thought occured to me, What if the world suddenly ran out of sandwiches?
Think of all the implications.
Monday, December 26, 2005
Sunday, December 25, 2005
How I Got My Money Back from Steve-O
This is one of the great achievements of my life, requiring previously untapped perseverance, shrewd psychology and a bit of luck. I had lent $500 to a Steve-O and when I saw him the next week playing at the tables and talked to him it was clear he did not remember borrowing the money. For those few of you who are not yet loyal readers of my blog, you will need to refer to a previous post "Beware of Steve-O" to understand what I was up against. Anyway, Steve-O informed me he was playing on borrowed money, had a terrible trip to Vegas and was unable to pay me back. He had over $1,000 worth of chips on the table, which he dismissed with a disdainful wave, as if it wasn't even there. I felt like slugging him one, snatching what he owed me and bolting, but that might alert security and after all it was my word against his. What I did instead was smile and told him good luck.After a few more times of not getting paid I became concerned. Then a dealer and player both confirmed he was a dengenerate, owed a lot of people money and told me I'd never be paid back. You might as well give up they said.I don't like to give up so I devised a battle plan. This was my plan: Be Kind. Kill him with Kindness. When I saw Steve-O in the future I made an effort to be very friendly, but would always ask, seemingly as an after thought, if he had the money he owed me. The excuses continued, even though he was playing poker regularly. It went on for months and months. I smiled incessantly, commiserated constantly. I gave honest poker advice. I was invested at this point. In fact, I felt like I was invested in all of humanity. If Steve-O would pay me back it would prove that every single human being on the planet was capable of redemption. I wanted him to win.Finally, he bought me a pizza. I thanked him profusely. What a good guy Steve-O truly was! Then he paid me $20, then another $20. I knew with hard work and the right attitude life could turn out to be beautiful. Finally one night it happened. I bumped into him smoking a cigarette outside the casino and he quickly told me he had won several thousand and flashed me a wad of bills. He was smiling. The air was still. The weather was perfect. I informed him that I was running bad and was a little down. Then Steve-O said this: "How much do I owe you?" Like magic, I didn't even have to ask. Months of hard work had finally paid off. When I told him it was $460 he said he only had $100 bills, how about $400 for now? I told him I'd change it up inside the casino. "I don't know if I can trust you," he said jokingly. Then he handed me 5 crisp $100 bills. Now I actually owed him $40!A few minutes later, when he located me inside playing poker, he asked for the $40 change. I shrugged, gave him a blank look and said, "Oh I forgot, it's locked up on the table now. Sorry. Let's just say I'll get you when I can OK?" The expression on his face made the whole thing worth it.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Beware of the Steve-O
All casinos breed a certain type of character that is unable to win, but lacks the will-power to leave an environment where the promise of easy money hangs heavy in the air. This character lacks the discipline and intelligence to beat poker or black-jack so he must sustain himself by other means. He goes by many names, but for the purpose of this post I will refer to him as Steve-O, though in individual cases his real name is usually not given. Steve-O will say he makes his living gambling, but his true source of funding is a combination of the following:
1. Public Assistance
2. Family Assistance
3. Unknown
4. Conning innocents out of their hard-earned cash
When meeting new people, Steve-O has 2 goals.
1. Get the most money he can from this person.
2. Avoid the person after goal number 1 is achieved.
Steve-O's senses are finely tuned to any new player who walks into a casino. From years of hunting Steve-O has honed his skills to operate with unconscious precision. He lurks near the poker tables like an alligator submerged to the eyes in a pond, waiting for its next unsuspecting victim. In an instant he will be able to discern whether or not you will come to the edge of the pond for a drink.There is no way you will be able to spot Steve-O based on his appearance. Steve-O is well-camouflaged. He is a clean-cut man in nice clothes, sporting a stylish watch or bracelet.One tip that may indicate you are dealing with a Steve-O is his constant need to play Keno tickets and bet on sports.
Steve-O will also need to somehow indicate that he has a surplus of cash that he has attained from one of the following methods:
1. He is a day trader.
2. He recently won a Jackpot.
3. He won a Jackpot in Vegas sometime back that set him up for life.
4. He owns a bar or deals in some way with real estate.
Once Steve-O has met you, his victim, he will try to gain trust by the following methods:
1. He will refer to you as "buddy" or give you a nickname.
2. He will ask you to go in on a pot together, meaning you will share equally with Steve-O the losses and gains for any particular hand the two of you are both involved in. Since you are a poker player and he is a gambler you will play fewer hands and generally have the best of it and thus he will share in a portion of your winnings while minimizing his losses. Advantage Steve-O.
3. He will buy you a drink.
4. He will tell you the best place in town to get pizza.
5. He will add an "O" to the end of his name.
When your guard is down, he will ask you for money. Here are some reasons he needs money.
1. His ATM card is maxed out.
2. He wants you to bankroll his trip to Vegas.
3. He wants you to bankroll a bigger game right in the room where he is going to take some real fish for several g's.
4. He just spent his last dime on his mother's radiation treatments and needs a few bucks to get rolling again.
At this point you may not even know if this person is actually a "Steve-O" or not. The best way to defend yourself from Steve-O is to have this rule: Never loan money to anybody in a casino. It is sometimes hard to say "No." If it helps, say it like this, "I'm sorry, but I have a policy where I don't ever loan money to anybody." This makes it less personal.There are only two possible outcomes to loaning money.
1. You get paid back, partially or in full.
2. You don't.
One of these is bad and the other puts you right back at even.But here is one sure fire way to know whether or not you are dealing with a Steve-O. Loan him money. If it is a Steve-O, it will vanish.
1. Public Assistance
2. Family Assistance
3. Unknown
4. Conning innocents out of their hard-earned cash
When meeting new people, Steve-O has 2 goals.
1. Get the most money he can from this person.
2. Avoid the person after goal number 1 is achieved.
Steve-O's senses are finely tuned to any new player who walks into a casino. From years of hunting Steve-O has honed his skills to operate with unconscious precision. He lurks near the poker tables like an alligator submerged to the eyes in a pond, waiting for its next unsuspecting victim. In an instant he will be able to discern whether or not you will come to the edge of the pond for a drink.There is no way you will be able to spot Steve-O based on his appearance. Steve-O is well-camouflaged. He is a clean-cut man in nice clothes, sporting a stylish watch or bracelet.One tip that may indicate you are dealing with a Steve-O is his constant need to play Keno tickets and bet on sports.
Steve-O will also need to somehow indicate that he has a surplus of cash that he has attained from one of the following methods:
1. He is a day trader.
2. He recently won a Jackpot.
3. He won a Jackpot in Vegas sometime back that set him up for life.
4. He owns a bar or deals in some way with real estate.
Once Steve-O has met you, his victim, he will try to gain trust by the following methods:
1. He will refer to you as "buddy" or give you a nickname.
2. He will ask you to go in on a pot together, meaning you will share equally with Steve-O the losses and gains for any particular hand the two of you are both involved in. Since you are a poker player and he is a gambler you will play fewer hands and generally have the best of it and thus he will share in a portion of your winnings while minimizing his losses. Advantage Steve-O.
3. He will buy you a drink.
4. He will tell you the best place in town to get pizza.
5. He will add an "O" to the end of his name.
When your guard is down, he will ask you for money. Here are some reasons he needs money.
1. His ATM card is maxed out.
2. He wants you to bankroll his trip to Vegas.
3. He wants you to bankroll a bigger game right in the room where he is going to take some real fish for several g's.
4. He just spent his last dime on his mother's radiation treatments and needs a few bucks to get rolling again.
At this point you may not even know if this person is actually a "Steve-O" or not. The best way to defend yourself from Steve-O is to have this rule: Never loan money to anybody in a casino. It is sometimes hard to say "No." If it helps, say it like this, "I'm sorry, but I have a policy where I don't ever loan money to anybody." This makes it less personal.There are only two possible outcomes to loaning money.
1. You get paid back, partially or in full.
2. You don't.
One of these is bad and the other puts you right back at even.But here is one sure fire way to know whether or not you are dealing with a Steve-O. Loan him money. If it is a Steve-O, it will vanish.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
The 3AM Trip to the ATM
Some people think they can do things that they aren't capable of doing. You will find out a lot about yourself if you play poker for a living. For one thing, you know for sure whether you are successful or not. You can't "forget" a trip to the ATM at 3am too many times. (Chris Rock once suggested they close ATMs after midnight because nobody is going to an ATM at 3am for a good reason.) Most jobs you don't have to perform all that well to get paid. Poker is different.
I knew a guy in high school named Bob. He was about 5 foot 6 inches tall and non-descript except for a rather large roundish head. Bob once stood in front of the trophy case in our high school lobby and surveyed all the school records. "I could beat that," he said, pointing his finger, "and I could beat that one and that one..." Bob was not very athletic and more than a few people were annoyed by his absurd boasts, but as long as his great accomplishments existed soley in his imagination it was hard to argue with him. Theoretically, he could beat every school record. It was within the realm of possibility.
Eventually, a second string basketball player named Kyle challenged him to play a game of one-on-one. A wager was made - a game to 21 win by 2, $10 a point. Bob was too stubborn to back down. His mind struggled to find a way he could defeat Kyle. After a long pause, he said, "I have an advantage. I've seen you play." This he believed was enough of an edge. To prepare for the game I suppose Bob read several books about basketball.
The time of the game was set, a crowd gathered in the gym. Bob started with the ball. He dribbled, faked, threw up a hook shot and it went in! 1-0 Bob. All Bob's greatness was now being confirmed inside an actual playing arena. His face beamed with a determined pride. "This is how it should be," he seemed to be thinking. "I am great. I will win."
Bob, however, was severely outmatched and his face soon took on a twisted, painful grimace as Kyle ran off the next 13 points on his way to a 21-3 victory.Bob was $180 in the hole. This was a lot of money in high school for a kid with no job. Bob delayed payments for a time while Kyle grew increasingly threatening. Towards the end of school one day Bob paid Kyle with a few $10 bills stacked on top of some McDonald's gift certificates and slipped away before Kyle discovered the trick. The thought must have popped into Bob's big head as he was running through the parking lot that this was a short-term solution.
The next morning Bob was contrite and a payment plan was hashed out to both parties mutual satisfaction.I wish some of my poker lessons had only cost $180. I guess my point is that a continued state of self-delusion is fatal in poker so be honest about your mistakes and willing to learn from them. And if you see me looking a little haggard and red-eyed around the ATM machine at 3am, keep in mind I like to go grocery shopping late; it's quiet, and not so crowded, and I can be first in line for the warm, fresh bakery bagels that I love so much.
I knew a guy in high school named Bob. He was about 5 foot 6 inches tall and non-descript except for a rather large roundish head. Bob once stood in front of the trophy case in our high school lobby and surveyed all the school records. "I could beat that," he said, pointing his finger, "and I could beat that one and that one..." Bob was not very athletic and more than a few people were annoyed by his absurd boasts, but as long as his great accomplishments existed soley in his imagination it was hard to argue with him. Theoretically, he could beat every school record. It was within the realm of possibility.
Eventually, a second string basketball player named Kyle challenged him to play a game of one-on-one. A wager was made - a game to 21 win by 2, $10 a point. Bob was too stubborn to back down. His mind struggled to find a way he could defeat Kyle. After a long pause, he said, "I have an advantage. I've seen you play." This he believed was enough of an edge. To prepare for the game I suppose Bob read several books about basketball.
The time of the game was set, a crowd gathered in the gym. Bob started with the ball. He dribbled, faked, threw up a hook shot and it went in! 1-0 Bob. All Bob's greatness was now being confirmed inside an actual playing arena. His face beamed with a determined pride. "This is how it should be," he seemed to be thinking. "I am great. I will win."
Bob, however, was severely outmatched and his face soon took on a twisted, painful grimace as Kyle ran off the next 13 points on his way to a 21-3 victory.Bob was $180 in the hole. This was a lot of money in high school for a kid with no job. Bob delayed payments for a time while Kyle grew increasingly threatening. Towards the end of school one day Bob paid Kyle with a few $10 bills stacked on top of some McDonald's gift certificates and slipped away before Kyle discovered the trick. The thought must have popped into Bob's big head as he was running through the parking lot that this was a short-term solution.
The next morning Bob was contrite and a payment plan was hashed out to both parties mutual satisfaction.I wish some of my poker lessons had only cost $180. I guess my point is that a continued state of self-delusion is fatal in poker so be honest about your mistakes and willing to learn from them. And if you see me looking a little haggard and red-eyed around the ATM machine at 3am, keep in mind I like to go grocery shopping late; it's quiet, and not so crowded, and I can be first in line for the warm, fresh bakery bagels that I love so much.
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