For the Ladies

I'm sure a lot of the ladies are interested in what I do when I'm not crushing the poker tables for huge sums of money so I'd like to take this time to tell you a little bit about myself.

I'm almost 40, often sick with a sinus infection and I have a very strong lack of interest in most things. I usually have a sink full of dirty dishes. My diet consists primarily of oatmeal, Ramen noodles and things I find in the neighborhood. Most of my time is spent either contemplating the Nature of Existence or Speculating about Important Matters. I will become irritable if disturbed when I am involved with my deep reveries.

I've never voted, don't plan to and I have not bought new clothes in 5 years. Not even socks.

Speaking of socks I've worn black socks with shorts as a fashion statement long before it was so popular with the septuagenarian crowd.

My roommate is a Metro-Sexual and I have posted his picture here. A Metro-Sexual is a straight guy that dresses and acts like a gay guy. Well, after a few drinks the lines sometimes get blurred between gay and straight, but let's just say he is a kind and generous guy. The photo posted here was from a trip to Mexico, a few days after we met.

I know the complete silence from you shy ladies is ready to erupt so please send me a photo and the time you will be in Phoenix and I will check my schedule. I should tell you up front that I am not easy, I like Chinese food and a thoughtful gift such as chocolates, flowers or a new pair of black socks is always appreciated.

Goal Number One When Playing for a Living

Find a girlfriend with a good job. This is the first goal of any male heterosexual who aspires to be a professional poker player. OK you will need to play good poker and manage your money well, but invariably you will lose money at some point. You will lose a lot of money. In fact you will lose a lot of money all at once. In addition you will also lose a lot of money over a long period of time. It happens. So what then?

In the middle of a bad streak you need the kindness and loving support of a female companion. This beautiful woman should be understanding and compassionate. She will smile and say, "Things will turn around soon. Those idiots can't get lucky forever. I'll pay the rent this month. I'm going to work now. I'll get some groceries during my lunch break. Give me a good-luck kiss."

In order to soothe your troubled nerves she will prepare home-cooked meals and bend her pliable hardbody into all kinds of accommodating positions during love-making. Ahh, so where do you find this woman? What kind of woman with a good job would date a professional poker player?

This is the kind of woman you are looking for:

Lady X: Dad I just met a real nice guy and we started dating.
Dad: Oh really? That's nice honey. What's he do for a living?
Lady X: He plays poker.
Dad: Oh good. That's a relief. I thought you were going to say he was a drug dealer like that last loser you dated.
Lady X: Oh no, I kissed a lot of frogs to get to this Prince.

You see it is important to find a woman that has dated the worst kind of man and in comparison you will look like gold. When you first meet a girl inquire as to what her previous boyfriends did for a living. If she answers any of the following you might have a shot:

1. Drug Dealer
2. Cow-hide puller
3. Chuck E. Cheese Rat
4. Serial Killer

Remember being a poker player is about sound economical decisions. If a woman wants to date you in large part because you are a professional poker player then she has serious problems. This is OK. Use this to your advantage. When you win the WSOP you can dump her. Then you will have plenty of time and resources to search the world for your soulmate.